An Immodest Proposal

There is a great deal of good, serious commentary on the Bush-Kerry debate out there, for example here, and here. The drinking games and flamewars are here.

I propose for the next debate we institute a new drinking game: Rather than viewers drinking when, for example, one of them says "war on terror," I propose that the candidates drink. Every time Bush says "war on terror" or "fighting for freedom," he takes a drink. Every time Kerry says "wrong choice" or "plan to win the peace," he takes a drink.

Sound silly? Perhaps, but if they found themselves unable to keep wending back to their catch phrases, they would be forced into new territory, into improvising, and perhaps giving us something new insight into how they think.

Alternatively, they'd just get drunk, their guards would drop, and we'd get to see the real men.

This debate was not insubstantive, but I didn't learn anything new. The Presidential Drinking Contest would certainly show us something new, one way or the other...

Of course there would be days of negotiations and a 32-page memo about what they would each drink. Maybe they could just tell Jenna Bush to get them whatever she's drinking.

Use the comment thread to suggest other phrases for them to drink on.

Are You Happier Now Than You Were Four Years Ago?

A report in the journal Psychological Science in the Public Interest tells us that money doesn't buy happiness:

Money, however, is a means to an end, and that end is well-being. But money is an inexact surrogate for well-being, and the more prosperous a society becomes, the more inexact a surrogate income becomes.

The authors argue that, sure, you need a certain amount of resources to be happy (starving people aren't happy), and money buys more choices, but beyond a certain point--a point we Americans have surpassed, the correlation no longer holds. But we still measure success--as individuals and as a culture--by money, presumably, the authors say, because economic measures are ubiquitous and widely reported. (And easier to measure objectively oneself, I might add: you can always know exactly what's in your bank account; it's not so easy to put a number on a sense of malaise.)

However, the authors of this article suggest that psychological science does have sufficient indicators of well-being to assess our happiness as a nation. And if we took this seriously:

...politicians should base their campaigns on their plans for reducing distress, increasing life satisfaction and meaning, enhancing marital and leisure satisfaction, and optimizing engagement at work.

That's an awfully tall order. And one somewhat less amenable to sound bites: much easier to count jobs, report a change in interest rates. (We'll leave for another time a discussion of the essential meaninglessness of the Dow Jones Industrial Average.) But no doubt someone will figure out how to reduce it to a slogan; perhaps instead of a chicken in every pot, a TV in every living room, it will be a soft, furry pet in every lap . . .

Survivor: French Boarding School

Forget tests of endurance, ingenuity, or willingness to do gross stuff--how about tests of grammar, memorization? According to this New York Times article, the hot reality show in France places two dozen modern young people in a 1950s-style French boarding school. Everything is much as it would have been, with the exception of corporal punishment. (Guess there would be insurance problems around that.)

This is apparently sparking debate in France about what should be done in their school systems. (Can we get this show over here, pronto?) Most educators seem to have concluded (based on the NYT article--I haven't read the French papers on this yet) that although modern French kids know fewer facts, they are more likely to question and explore.

Which leads me to say a few words in defense of memorization.

By no means is the ability to recite facts knowledge; and the argument I always heard when I was growing up was that you could always look facts up. (Truer today than ever. You don't even have to get out of your chair to find out the capital of Botswana or the final score of the last game of the 1908 World Series or the value of pi to 28 places.) Nevertheless, having facts in your head gives context, and that is what leads to knowledge--someone tells you there was a flu pandemic in 1918 that spread throughout the world, and you will have a greater sense of how that might have happened if you remember that World War I was going on then, with unprecedented movement of large numbers of troops over multiple continents. Or, knowing that helium was only discovered on the Earth in about 1905 (its existence was deduced from solar spectra in 1869) makes the hot-air balloon photo of my old neighborhood taken in the 1880s all the more interesting. And at a more basic level, won't you enjoy a book more if you don't have to pause to look up the words in it to know what they mean?

Moreover, at least one study has shown that memorization techniques can help mitigate the memory-impairment effects of aging. Teaching kids memorization skills--by making them memorize things--may help them as they age.

New York City has an annual "Poem in Your Pocket" day, in which everyone is encouraged to have a poem at the ready to share with anyone else. I envy Rob: he's got a veritable anthology of poetry in his head. Leaves more room in the pockets for other stuff.

Me, I had to memorize and recite the Gettysburg address in fourth grade. I can still come up with the first half of it; the rest fades. I think I will go refresh my recollection of the rest of it.

A Visitor's Guide to New York City

My friend Jeannie tells me that her sister is visiting New York (from Texas), and complained of the rudeness of New Yorkers, based on her interaction with a ticket seller at Yankee Stadium. First, it is important to understand that one should not judge the city by the ticket salespeople at either of the major league ballparks: I used to think the ushers at Shea Stadium were the Olympians of rudeness, but they've gotten better (I guess the fact that nobody goes to Mets games limits their opportunity to shake people down for tips)...the ticket salespeople haven't.

Anyway, leaving aside the ballparks, a few words of advice for visitors to our city:

Be nice. If you start out assuming people will be rude to you, or try to cheat you, you're not exactly winning their good will. Most New Yorkers are pleasant folks, but, understandably, get pissed off when visitors act like they expect them to rob them. However, it does help to understand that New Yorkers are, um, more expressive in some respects than people in other places. For example, "fat bastard" is a term of affection here in many situations. (You think I'm kidding? I'm not kidding.)

Speaking of fat bastards: don't feed the pigeons. They're not cute and friendly; they are rats with wings. The reason they will come right up to you? They want to pick your pocket of any foodlike item they may find there. Or mug you for it. Also, discourage children from running at them to make them take flight. A startled pigeon may let loose and dump a load of shit on your head, which will not contribute to a pleasant New York experience. Your New York experience will be even less pleasant if that load lands on someone else's head as a result of your child's actions.

On escalators, stand to the right, walk to the left. You know that expression "New York minute"? Yes, we are frequently in a hurry. As a result, it is customary to walk (or run) on escalators. If you are not planning to walk on the escalator, keep yourself and your packages to the right so that others can pass on the left. (Yeah, we could take the stairs, but walking up the escalator not only speeds the process, it is less climbing when you're ascending from a subway station deep in the bowels of the earth.) We are so accustomed to a clear left lane that we will simply bulldoze right through you if you're standing on the left, because we simply won't expect you there. For your own safety, respect the escalator traffic rules.

Do take pictures on the subway. The MTA is trying to make it illegal to do that, which is ridiculous. Defy them. (And then call the ACLU if you get arrested.)

Please do not string your entire family out, holding hands, across a busy sidewalk. Likewise, if you stop on the sidewalk, move off to one side. I remind you, YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY PEOPLE HERE. The other ten million people in town would like to be able to pass you on that sidewalk; unlike you, most of us are not on vacation, and have to get to work, etc., in a timely fashion. That New York minute thing again.

Leave your car at home, or at least in the outer boroughs. There are already too many cars trying to pass through too few bridges and tunnels (Manhattan is an island, remember), and the process is further slowed by post-9/11 heightened security. Furthermore, once you are in the city, you probably won't know your way around, and will drive slowly reading street signs and your maps, admiring those neon lights you've heard tell about, and/or searching the crowds on the sidewalks to see if you can spot any celebrities. In short, you will be automotive cholesterol in the vasculature of the city. Don't do it. You're giving us a heart attack.

Don't buy 9/11 souvenirs. The World Trade Center is not DisneyWorld, it is the site of a horrifying event that changed history, as well as the lives of all New Yorkers. Go pay your respects at the site, walk across the street and see the related exhibits in Trinity Church. There are no "respectful" souvenirs; they might as well all say: MY MOM WENT TO THE SITE OF TERROR, DEATH, AND DEVASTATION AND ALL I GOT IS THIS LOUSY T-SHIRT. You want to take home something to commemorate your visit? Let the memory be enough.

Une Famille Female

A French court has granted recognition as a family to a lesbian couple and their three daughters. One of the couple is the biological mother of their three daughters (conceived through artificial insemination); the other had legally adopted the children, and finally they won the court decision that recognizes them as a family, granting them rights of same. While this doesn't necessarily change the status of any other similar households, it does give them some hope of success if this is what they seek.

The rights the women were seeking through this decision are similar to the things that have motivated American gay couples to seek marriage (inheritance, property rights, medical decision-making, etc.). Same concerns, different angle of approach. The presence of children in the relationship presumably added to the couple's urgency about the issues, and the best interests of the kids swayed the court.

A small step, but a good one.

I've only read this in the French papers thus far; probably I'll run across it in English and add a link for those who don't read French. (Meantime, you could always use Babelfish to translate it.)

Ah, Victory

Thanks to the valiant efforts of so many, Bill Breedlove was indeed elected to the Chicago Tribune Bod Squad.

If he attempts to appoint me Bikini Waxer in Chief, I shall have to decline.

A Candidate We Can Support with Confidence

The eminent author and raconteur (well, he's eminent if you hang out at the Red Lion in Chicago) Bill Breedlove is a finalist to become a member of the Chicago Tribune's Bod Squad, a team of readers who will subject themselves to all manner of spa treatments, sacrificing for the benefit of the rest of us. The squad is being selected by reader votes. Here's a sample of Bill's platform:

Wasn't applying hot stones and boiling wax to people a method of torture used during the Inquisition? I can barely spell "exfoliating," let alone imagine what it's supposed to do. I'd like someone to explain to me-with a completely straight face-why rubbing my face with seaweed that smells like a Nantucket outhouse will make the bags under my eyes smaller, and cost only $175 to boot.

He's a man of the people! And he's up against a boring old lawyer and some silly "metrosexual" type--these people go to spas all the time, they don't need the Tribune to pay their way! Think of it as a Fresh Air Fund for adults. Okay, one adult. But a journey of a thousand bikini waxes starts with one...oh, never mind. Just get out there and VOTE. Early and often. (After all, it's Chicago.)

Coins from Corpses

I read on Wonkette about this reprehensible effort to profit from the dead of 9/11: selling coins made with silver recovered from Ground Zero.

My first question is whose bright idea was it to sell off silver from Ground Zero in the first place. I'm writing to Mayor Michael Bloomberg to ask.

My second question is how the people whose loved ones perished in the World Trade Center feel about this. I don't think I need to ask anyone; I can guess.

My third question is what kind of person would buy such a thing. Not sure I want the answer to that one.

What's next? Samples of World Trade Center Dust! May Contain Actual Human Ashes!

I Can Kick Ken Tucker's Ass

Entertainment Weekly columnist and NPR commentator Ken Tucker writes in today's New York Times about his training in krav maga.

This is where I train.

I am older and fatter than Mr. Tucker, and have sufficiently little upper body strength that I still do my pushups on my knees. But I passed my yellow belt test on the first attempt. I'm hoping to test for orange pretty soon. And succeed on the first try.

It's the Future, Stupid

A rich guy used his connections to avoid going to war? To whom is this news? It has been happening for generations upon generations. Time to get over those events of thirty years ago and focus on what is important. A call to arms:

Can you imagine the message America will send to the world if Bush is re-elected? I think much of the world hasn't completely given up on America because it thinks we didn't know what Bush was really like in 2000. If we re-elect him, the world will give up on us. And it should. A second Bush term means that America has endorsed the botched war on terror; endorsed the Iraq debacle (invasion and/or execution); endorsed Abu Ghraib; endorsed abandoning international institutions; endorsed runaway deficits; endorsed stem cell research restrictions; endorsed the lack of any coherent domestic or fiscal policy; endorsed an economic policy that is blatantly concentrating wealth at the top; endorsed the complete lack of health care policy; endorsed the various unfunded mandates; endorsed the lies; endorsed Cheney; endorsed horrible environmental policy such as increased logging and mountaintop removal; endorsed the torture memos.

As each of us casts a ballot, let's keep in mind what we want to be endorsing. And whether we will be proud of that in thirty years' time.

9-11-01

In memory.

Peace.

Essayer = to try

I already knew the part about the origin of the word "essay," thanks to three and a half years at the Alliance Française, but the rest of the historical information in this essay on essays was new to me.

Although I found the whole thing fascinating, and I don't disagree with Graham in the main, I do think there is value in teaching the rhetorical process to high school students. The average person is woefully lacking in ability to construct a cohesive argument in support of a point, too often resorting in frustration to name-calling or simply giving up. Political issues are great fodder for trying this out, but I suspect schools, particularly public schools, are terrified of anything political in the classroom.

Make your case for or against or write your exploratory essay in the comments section. Don't worry, nobody's grading them.

The Correct Answer Is C

Dick Cheney threatens that if he and W are not re-elected the U.S. risks another devastating terrorist attack. Hmm. Does this mean:

(a) Bush/Cheney have some control over the terrorists allowing them to determine when/if they will attack? Which would make it pretty easy for them to pull Osama out of the hat at the most politically propitious moment. (My money in the "when will they conveniently produce Osama?" pool is on October 30.)

(b) If Bush/Cheney lose their day jobs, they will become the mothers of all disgruntled ex-exployees? Forget showing up at the post office with an AK-47; if the entire U.S. is your former employer, you have to think bigger.

(c) The U.S. election is already being disrupted by terror (as previously threatened by the current administration), i.e., Bush/Cheney are trying to use terror to influence the outcome?

Inquiring minds want to know.

Jimmy Carter Is Not a Wuss

Here is what Jimmy Carter wrote to Zell Miller, the so-called Democrat who gave a vitriolic speech at the Republican convention.

Was Jimmy Carter a great president? Probably not. Is he an honorable man? I'd say so.

Five Things to Love About Baseball

Ahh. I feel better now. I seem to have found the antidote to the world around me at Keyspan Park in Coney Island, home of the single-A Brooklyn Cyclones. Many things to love about that particular park (ocean in one direction, skee ball in another; decent beer; good seats cheap; professional baseball players who have not yet had enough success to be full of themselves...). But as for baseball in general:

Intensity Every pitch is a mental duel between hitter and pitcher, matching not only wits (what kind of pitch? where? will the batter react in the milliseconds he has between release and contact?) but also skill (will the curve ball really curve? is he strong and fast enough to for the bat to meet the 90+ m.p.h. fastball?). What? You say baseball is boring? You probably only go to movies that have car chases and naked people in them.

Speed Although the game as a whole may appear to progress slowly as pitcher and hitter match wits and mess with each other's minds (you made me stand here in the box while you puttered around thinking about pitches? fine, just as you're ready to throw, I'm stepping out--let's see which of us in control of this game), once the ball is hit, fielders have to judge where the ball is going and how fast, know where the runners are as well as where their teammates are, get to the ball and get it to the right base, landing it in a teammate's glove before the runner--whose job at this point is much simpler--can get there. Bang-bang play indeed.

Math Is Fun You don't have to be a stat geek to be a baseball fan, by any means, but it's added fun if you are. The best hitter in baseball fails more than half the time...but just as any single coin flip has the same chance of turning up heads as turning up tails, in a given at-bat a lousy hitter just might hit a home run. You can break down the numbers lots of ways (how does this guy or this team do against right-handers? on the road versus at home? day versus night games? on Tuesdays in months ending in r?). Pitch count is a fun one: many pitchers wear out predictably, and certain managers put their starting pitchers on a limited count. (I used to predict the future when Jim Riggleman managed the Cubs: "Hmm, Riggleman should be starting up the bullpen now..." I would say to anyone sitting near me. "Okay, he'll be out to make a pitching change in, oh, four more pitches." Three, two, one, and there's Riggleman jogging up the dugout steps. What I learned from this: People are gullible, and Jim Riggleman managed with a cookbook. A lousy one.)

Hope Springs Eternal While it is true that a Boston Red Sox-Chicago Cubs World Series would be a sign of the apocalypse, that doesn't mean it couldn't happen. And on any given day, any team might win. Witness the recent 22-0 defeat of the mighty (so they like to tell us) Yankees. The St. Louis Cardinals are running away with the best record in baseball--they can't seem to lose...except for the 45 games they've lost so far this year. On any given day, either team can win. See above re coin toss...except baseball is not so much random as the contribution of so many variables as to be practically infinite, certainly beyond mathematical prediction.

History, Culture, and Beer Brooklyn Cyclones games begin with a scoreboard video that showcases Jackie Robinson and the other greats of the Brooklyn Dodgers, then the tears of local fans when their team moved to L.A. and Ebbets Field was torn down, and finally the return of pro baseball to Brooklyn, under the defunct parachute drop at Coney Island. Baseball has been around since the Civil War, was mentioned in books by Jane Austen as well as Ernest Hemingway, gave us films like Field of Dreams and Bull Durham, songs like "Take Me Out to the Ball Game" (BTW, most people only sing the chorus, which is too bad: the verse is about a rabid female baseball fan)...Ted Williams, the last .400 hitter, took time off at the height of his career to be a war hero, Lou Gehrig was the luckiest man on the face of the earth (not because they named a disease after him), a young woman named Toni Stone got the only hit in an exhibition game pitched by the unhittable Satchel Paige.

Oh yeah, and you can judge a ballpark by the beer. Good ballparks have good beer. (You might have to search for it, but that's part of the fun.) If they only have Bud, go watch the game on a big screen at a nice bar.

Cyclones beat the Tri-City Valley Cats last night in a 2-0 nail-biter, the first game of the New York-Penn League playoffs. Assuming they win one more in this three-game first round, I will be back at Keyspan before the season's out.

Bienvenue

What the heck is a handbasket, and what does it have to do with hell? Here's your answer:
www.worldwidewords.org/qa/qa-goi1.htm

It seems rather apt this election season. I shake my head in wonder at people buying into utter bullsh!t. Makes me think of the Pinky and the Brain episode entitled "Meet John Brain." Find it if you haven't seen it. And then when a mouse on stilts tells you he plans to teach you to do his will, perhaps you won't respond, "He's for education! I like him!"

Perhaps I will be less negative next post. Or perhaps not. Come back and find out.